Pages full of lessons and memorized text have been recorded up until this point. This entry starts like yet another of these attempts at grasping for what has been lost.
Compassion, the final, and trickiest of the virtues. It can even be dangerous when not tempered with wisdom. In my strongest desire to return to the light, I have overlooked the others lost in this shadow with me. I have been locked in this room, but I know it is for my own protection now. And I think there’s more. Eran wants strongly to see me turn my back on the light. Many times now he has said it doesn’t deserve my loyalty. He doesn’t seem to realize what I have been capable of in my darkest moments crammed in that tiny, lightless cell. He hides it well, but I get the sense that he needs me to stay. The Light has already left him and if left alone again, he may never find it once more. I feel to continue my quest for the light’s approval is selfish and perhaps that is why it still evades me. If I go now, if I am accepted back, I will leave Eran and Ziel, and more lost and forgotten in these shadows. They will not follow me, and I cannot lead them out of the darkness. Isn’t it compassionate to stay where I am needed? Is it selfish to run to the light and leave so many others suffering in the shadows alone?
Ziel told me the story of her life, the one she has placed aside as someone else entirely. I do not know Eran’s story. I don’t think he knows it. But Ziel did not deserve this. She sacrificed her life and freedom for her people and those she loved. It would be naive to think there aren’t others lost and pushed aside into these shadows that are even less deserving of such abandonment. They are places I cannot go with the Light and to find the light now is death. The lightslayers would kill me and many would still be lost.
If it is within someone to go out into the worst of conditions to help those in most need, but only by living among them…isn’t that more compassionate than choosing comfort and acceptance apart from all of that and never really helping anyone? The truth is, I would feel guilty to leave such people in darkness, now that my eyes have been opened to them. I would feel like a coward to retreat to the safety and familiar warmth of the Light, like a child burrowing under her blankets to hide from…the shadows.
And what are the shadows really? I find I am no longer certain of their evil. I have tried so hard to convince myself that I can get the Light back, just like the sun that always returns every morning. Yet I ignore the other half of that metaphor. Is the night evil? In our teachings of compassion, we have learned that followers of the Light can do great misdeeds with intentions of compassion. Is the day good? Or are they both merely facets of life and mere tradition sees that good chooses light and evil, the darkness.
I have been in denial over that night a few weeks ago…but I have felt the shadow already. I think it is too late should I wish to return to the light anyway. It was divine shadow, nothing like the felshadow of raw arcane or a demon’s blood. This…it filled the hollow space left by the Light’s abandonment. It made me feel just as…embraced…only different. It was like a clear and cool night after a long day of hot sun. Perhaps they are only different sides of the same whole, a completed day together. Can there be good followers of the shadow? There are surely evil followers of the Light.
Note: This is a journal entry penned by the hand of Caerwynn, my sindorei priestess from the game, WOW, and the main character of my OF novel, Blood Filigree