And I remain. I cannot bring myself to embrace the shadow the way my company does, but I will remain in this darkness for those lost in it. One of the lightslayers, Gavin, surprised me. Once he realized I chose to stay, but out of compassion, rather than fear, he approached me like a man past due for confessional. I stay in this darkness for him now as well. I never expected either of the two lightslayers to accept me, let alone swear loyalty and protection.
Rhune remains out of reach, his companion. I doubt she will ever forgive the shadow word I placed on her.
The light’s absence left a hole in me, but I press on knowing I am not alone in that loss. I can help others forgotten in these shadows if I remain with them, remember them, console them. Ziel seems confident I will eventually learn to use the shadow. I do not think she realizes how unsettling I find it that the shadow’s cooling presence filling me scares me. A lifetime of belief that the path of shadow leads to evil and corruption, even a mad addiction is not easily overcome. I may live in these shadows now, but I do not think I can embrace them. Meanwhile, I try to convince and fight with myself over whether the light is inherently good and the shadow evil. Evidence supports amorality but so much training to overcome, so many lessons to unlearn, and in the end, I’m afraid the philosophy of the light would be right.
My memory clings to how good it felt to summon that warm glow, to watch pain ease and death lose its grip. To feel life flow through me and into those in need. How can that not be good? Why can I no longer call it…why can the forgotten no longer access it if it really is amoral?
I don’t have that answer, so I remain and elect to have neither shadow nor light, struggling with the addiction and craving that sometimes gnaws at my sanity. A thirst I use to resist and rely on the light to fill. A void filled poorly by memories, some of which haunt my dreams, at the edge of waking awareness.
If I can no longer use the light to heal wounds and sickness, I will use my will to heal spirits and console the lost.
Note: This a journal entry penned by the hand of Caerwynn, my sindorei priestess from the game World of Warcraft, and the main character of my OF novel, Blood Filigree