Memories Behind a Paper Sun

I shared a certain memory a few days ago and it exhausted me.  I picked up a cold yesterday and almost skipped posting; still so tired and a little numb.

This numb feeling helped me survive and it stuck around for nearly every traumatic or nightmarish event afterward.  When I feel powerless in the face of bad news (such as someone’s death) I automatically disassociate.  My emotional side abandons me completely to hide until it’s over.

I read everywhere that people tire of fiction explaining a strong woman with a sexually traumatic past.  People tell me I am strong, but that history weakened me.  I am not stronger because of it.  I AM weaker.  Paper Sun and poor Alasgida, the main character, are the vessels for my experience.  They are my catharsis.

The story aims to show the truth behind a traumatic past.  While Gida embodies a “tough chick” image, I avoid using her trauma to showcase that strength.  Instead, I attack the heart of it:  Her strength existed before, the emotional mess, PTSD, and generally ill-adaptive behaviors are her souvenirs, NOT strength.  Another, more feminine character embodies true strength in the story.  In essence, I suppose I’m calling out that old trauma made me strong trope and exposing it for what trauma really does to a woman.

Only difference, what I get catharsis from writing in fiction, Gida gets by actually doing.  I may wish molesters and rapists a horrible death…you know what, no, what I WISH on them, since we’re wishing here, is that Ghost Rider were real, finds them, and visits the horrors of their deeds upon them.  Back to my point:  I could never pull the trigger myself and I don’t want to watch either.  Now that I brought up Ghost Rider…okay, you got me, I totally could grab their head and visit all the pain they caused, back to them like that and watch it happen…I may even smile.  Direct justice.

That’s instability talking, not my inner strength.  That’s the girl suffering, the woman waking from nightmares her whole life where faceless people hold her frozen and touch her and she can’t do anything, or a few men are chasing her in the dark and they force her to fight like a wild animal to get away.  She wakes up crying and shaking, and perhaps more traumatizing…aroused despite the horror in her mind.  That’s the woman who, try as hard as she can, suspects everyone and tries hard to off-balance that paranoia (so as not to punish the undeserving) by giving people so much benefit of the doubt that she’s gullible instead.  The woman who suffers from insomnia because, even when her thoughts are far from that memory, her body learned far too long ago that it needed to stay hyper-alert until exhaustion settles in.  The woman whose health suffers and secretly doesn’t want to lose weight because being fat makes her feel safer, even while she suffers the stereotypes and discrimination that follow.

People tell her it’s alright, her husband assures her she’s safe, he’ll tear apart anyone who threatens.  They only echo her logical side and still, while talking about, she only just now realizes she’s engaged, once again, in dissociation.  I learned these things.  I know these habits are opposite of helping me, but they are so engrained that I simply cannot help it.  I can force myself back into association, as now, but I cannot force myself to sleep, to key down.  I know my husband will protect me, and he’s a big enough man to threaten any unlikely danger.  I love him to pieces and suspect I’ll witness the hulk in real life, complete with ripping limb from limb should anyway threaten me in his presence.  I even suspect, thanks to years of nightmares (I tend to only have them when I feel manipulated, threatened, taken advantage of, or stressed by anything, including businesses and financial situations), that should anyone not care I’m fat now and try to rape me, I’ll likely kill them by accident, or end up dead.  I’m 90% certain that practice in nightmares year after year will turn me feral.

Gida and Paper Sun act as my catharsis.  Writing all these years:  Also my catharsis.  In fact, I’m convinced that writing saved me from so many dangers that claim others with my experience (such as drugs).

I once loved a man named Danny Robbins like a surrogate father when mine was several miles away.  He took advantage of me.  Reddish-sandy hair and mustache (white) fifteen years ago, would be about 46 today, worked as a prison guard (another thing that messed me up in trusting authority), and was a leader of our Royal Rangers (for boys) church group at First Assembly of God, Danville, Illinois.  I never got to confront him in court.  I don’t want to now.  I probably am breaking a law by calling him out since it’s been too long.  He has his statute of limitations or whatever.

I cannot bear the thought of leaving another girl vulnerable though since he’s probably still up to his same tricks.  Maybe she or her parents will search his name and find this.  He had at least one daughter, but I will not name names, she doesn’t deserve it; I loved his daughter like a little sister.  I remember a little boy too, but I’m not sure if he was Danny’s son, or his ex-wife’s (whom I heard rumors later he abused) little boy with her new man. Lots of Daniel Robbins online though, I’ve yet to spot the one I speak of, don’t victimize innocent men sharing his name (even I try hard not to let the name Danny drudge up memories, white male law-enforcement are more likely to cause dissociative behavior).  On the other hand, if you have an under-aged daughter with a man of this description and name acting super-fatherly, buying her gifts, taking her out for treats…be on your guard.

He apparently prefers shy girls with long blondish-brown hair, but he targeted my sister too and she had curly, dark brown hair.  Either way, he made sure we loved him first.  That last tactic is common with molesters, it’s easier to talk the kid into doing/”allowing” stuff and staying silent if the kid cares about you first.  Allow other people to care about your kid and be nice, yes, but be vigilant.  Molesters very rarely “look” like they have a dark-windowed van somewhere.  Danny looked like a cooler version of Flanders without glasses (from the Simpsons).  I remember giggling with someone over his awful singing voice (very deep monotone).  If you’re really concerned, I’m willing to look at pictures, but I’m not sure I’ll recognize him after fifteen years (I may be able to rule certain people out though).

Also, pardon me for getting political, but think about all this at the voting booth.  There are politicians out there now, some are part of the run for president, that want to take away the rights of women and girls in situations like this.  They want to say, should I have gotten pregnant from Danny, I have no choice but to carry his child, and even today, by law, I would have to see him regularly for visitation rights.  They are trying to say the same to rape victims as well.  Your body is not a sacrificial chamber to the DNA of someone who took you by force.  I couldn’t imagine.  Yeah, you can’t blame the baby, but when that happens to you, you want to scrub yourself raw, get it all out…forced to carry his child…I think I might go through periods of wanting to literally claw out my womb to get his seed out of me and, faced with no other choice but allow visitation rights and carry proof of his deed for 9 mos, I might just walk off a cliff with a note, better this than see my molester daily, birth his child, and then allow that child into his influence.  To me, it literally amounts to being told the face hugger from the alien franchise got me fair and square and that baby’s bursting out whether I like it or not.  And by the way, if I survive, laws require I regularly see the face huggers (so they can teach the baby alien how to take after daddy).

WAKE THE HELL UP AMERICA.  This is the UNITED STATES dammit.  You want to talk about other countries on the map that treat women just plain wrong (and you probably are only repeating what you heard while not knowing the truth behind it, or widely generalizing an entire peoples)…look under your noses.  Romney’s running mate is one of those and people are still thinking of voting him in office.  I found out yesterday that 31 “freedom-loving” states in this country require (have CURRENT laws) that the woman not only birth a child from rape and molestation, but that the father cannot be denied visitation rights.  WTF?!

Yes, pregnancy is less likely after rape, but not IMPOSSIBLE.  Men do rape women they’re married to as well, no, she’s not just claiming it for extra alimony or whatever.  I know a woman (who will remain nameless, it’s her place to “out herself”) who was, it’s just as traumatic and destroys trust.  Yes, I believe her when she told me about it years after their divorce.

Shame on the women who do lie about this too.  If you are reading this and you are lying about what a man has done to you so you can get whatever out of it, you are a LARGE CHUNK of why traumatized and victimized women are getting raped by the legal system.  They are using YOU to justify the continued abuse and I find you just as loathsome as the rapists because YOU are re-raping other women.

Back to other people, STOP RE-RAPING WOMEN just because some other women (and yes, men too, but now you don’t have to worry about giving birth to rapist seed and then seeing him regularly afterward and letting him influence the child too) might be less than honorable.  I’m just so flabbergasted now that I even need to say these things to my fellow country(wo)men.

You can vote no against all abortions and contraceptives and female healthcare when a rapist drugs you for a little date rape, you give birth to his child, and THEN you have to allow that same man access to the baby (and thus, influence it with both genes and personality) and see him daily.  I could never get an abortion otherwise, heck, when confronted with the surgical office after rape, I might be unwilling to go through with it, BUT I could never dream of denying another woman that choice, let alone contraceptives to prevent it, or healthcare during/after/whatever.  Pardon me while I flail, I still can’t believe I’m addressing my country with this.

Fine, don’t believe in abortion for any reason, but 31 states already have laws demanding rapists and molesters get visitation rights?!  REALLY!?  Yeah, I understand, “But some women might claim that just to deny the father his rights.”  Ass-backward thinking.  I feel sorry for guys wrongly accused, I know it happens, but you don’t need a flashlight to see that we ALWAYS ERR IN FAVOUR OF MAN, even when there are far worse cases of victimization in the same issue.  Being wrongfully accused of such things is truly awful, but I’m sorry, being RAPED/MOLESTED and then legally BLAMED and FORCED to keep in contact with said man and carry his seed and let him influence the child…worse (and includes two victims).

I really do see how clouds cover this issue for those involved, yes.  You cannot legislate one solution for all cases.  Unfortunately, the current laws blanket re-victimized already traumatized people just in case a few lied about the men involved.  Yes, women do this act too, but I see them pounced on and ripped to shreds far more eagerly and easily than men when they do it, including cases of teacher-student love.  She’s fired, her career ruined, people ponder what sort of monster…  If she’s guilty, she deserves it.

Reverse the shoes and suddenly you hear news that the student in question pushed herself on the teacher, she’s slept with nearly every guy in her class already, it’s only natural for men to find younger, energetic girls attractive, it’s part of their biological make up when looking for the best mate for his children.  Then, if he got her pregnant, she must birth that child and let him see it too.  I certainly hope his tastes don’t run to younger children in his family.  SICK!  S-I-C-K!

Right now, I want to divorce my country, but I believe in trying to make it work.  Still, you’re sleeping on the couch tonight and don’t talk to me.


Side note:  If you are the result of a rape/molestation union, I realize it sounds like I’m advocating you be killed.  I feel very sorry for you, I imagine that knowledge is a trauma all its own.  I am advocating, simply, that your mother be given a choice and that you not be required to visit a rapist/molester regularly because he has some messed up version of “parental rights” should your mother choose life.  Most people forget, when faced with that unnatural, surgical room, most women choose life anyway.

There are less sticky, obviously wrong things that need your attention and donations to stop (like hungry homeless children RIGHT HERE in the states, not just third world countries).  Did you know the United States is one of the top destinations for slaves today?  Normal citizens reason that they’re giving such people a better life in the states, which may be true, but a slave is still a slave; adopt a baby overseas, treat it like your child, not a slave because, hey, it’s still better off and you get a slave, win-win.  There are still more slaves that arrive here whose “owners” don’t care about the better life reasoning.  They might keep him/her locked in a basement, or if feeling generous, a pretty room, and take him/her by force whenever it pleases the owner and friends.

Leave decisions regarding health, abortion, and contraceptives between the woman effected and whatever higher power either one of you believe in.  If you still feel you really must get involved, get involved constructively.  Example:  Rather than tear down a very helpful organization such as planned parenthood, who only invests a small portion of funding in abortions (which includes materials and counseling with pros and cons that may talk a woman out of it and does not actually pay for it, no, they are not free), start one of your own.

Start an organization that rewards mothers for keeping their babies, provides counseling and health services to women in general, especially women living in poverty, saves lives while not providing abortions.  Tear down an operation like planned parenthood before building something to replace note-worthy services and you’ll likely lose far more lives (no early cancer screenings = more women dead from rampant cancers caught too late for starters) than you’ll save in births (and even then, just because the child is born doesn’t mean it won’t then be abused, slipped into a dumpster, killed, or be forcibly pulled along in its mother’s suicide).

In the end, for this situation, if you disagree with me, and your “side” wins, you get to clap yourselves on the back.  “Yay us!  We stopped people from killing innocents in the womb.”  Don’t forget to clap yourselves on the back for revictimizing raped and molested women, killing a mother along with her child whose doctors would have advised aborting because the baby WILL die and birthing it will likely kill the mother too, if she had other children to live for, clap yourselves on the back for making sure legislation killed their mother, clap yourselves on the back for pulling down planned parenthood’s evil abortion operation and then congratulate yourself for also making sure many women went without basic healthcare, the poor suffered more, and the numbers of women dying from cancer rise.  I don’t know about you, but when I clap myself on the back for something, I make sure there aren’t any negative things that came with it first, let alone more negative than positive.


About Saronai

I'm an eclectic amalgam of confusingly combined oddities.
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6 Responses to Memories Behind a Paper Sun

  1. Saronai says:

    To those from countries named…I intended no offense to you, you were named purely because I’ve heard US Citizens bad mouth your country more than once in regards to women’s rights, completely unaware of our own lack of perfection.

    • kasturika says:

      With regards to India, I hope there aren’t very bad things you have heard – yes, women are treated with inferiority in some places. But the ‘glass ceiling’ exists the world over. Interestingly, the degradation of women here is blamed on the influence of western culture! Indian culture advocates respect and dignity towards women, which has unfortunately, been overlooked.
      With regards to women’s rights, it is not countries that need to be bad mouthed – its humanity in general. Your sentiments are valid for every one on this planet… We are allowing ourselves to be affected, and it is very sad…
      I can understand your anger on the entire issue, and we can only hope for the best…

      • Saronai says:

        Very valid points to add, thank you. I fear western culture is responsible for a lot of bad visited on others but sometimes it seems the majority are completely ignorant of that. What’s so great about a McDonalds on every corner?

        As to what I’ve heard said about India (and other places), most of it comes off very ignorant, child brides, rampant child and female sex slavery (and abuse), etc. I know these things exist but they usually come off as something parroted from religious groups about “godless” countries who really don’t know the reality of the rumors they spread. Others are more informative, such as articles from National Geographic, that talk about specific areas in other countries known to do things we disapprove of and treat women unequally, but they are a far cry from an entire country. Either way, you’re very right, this is more than a country here, it is humanity itself that needs to wake up. I get increasingly disgruntled when I hear Americans talk like this stuff happens “across the pond” in 3rd world countries only, or whatever country of “different from us” people they want to name.

      • Saronai says:

        I decided to edit out specific countries to a general “other countries” mostly because I don’t want to lend any validity to the claims I hear. Also, I want to note that it’s not even a majority of Americans I hear spewing this trash, just the loudest ones who happen to have political runners right now that might actually win office.

  2. kasturika says:

    It is quite unfortunate that even today such bad stereotypes exist about India… The bad stuff you have heard existed long long ago, and represent a super-tiny-microbial-minority (if there exists such a term). We are a country of over a billion, filled with unimaginable diversity – and enterprising and intelligent people – that’s why most of the work comes to us :D. I don’t want to sound like an arrogant patriotic Indian, but I think the wikipedia article would be a better place to know about our country… With hope for better humanity… Cheers 🙂

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